someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i came on her dog
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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