he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
