I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
