I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
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Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
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Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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