Pants 0. Shit 1.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
