if you like me you must not know who I am
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
