Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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