I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Randomize
