Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
