Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
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The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
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Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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