quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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