So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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