Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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