apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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