Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
