I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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