His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
