I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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