The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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