I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
