Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
