Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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