I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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