my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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