Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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