apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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