I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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