my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Randomize
