I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
