I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
