Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
