So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
