I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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