So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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