an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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