I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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