walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
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you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
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If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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