she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
