hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
