it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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