I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
