he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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