Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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