Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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