do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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