im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
