instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
