i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
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I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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