Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
