I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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