Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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