And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
i think my cat just said my name.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
