Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Hippo gnu deer
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
