One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
only you would photoshop your dick
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
