Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
