I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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